Traveling Thoughts

So I gave in. I finally decided to see what everybody has been talking about. I started watching Lost. I had always said that I didn’t have time or didn’t want to get addicted. Well, now I guess its too late. I’ve been sucked in. In the last 4 days, I have watched two seasons of the show. It truly is a fantastic thing. But apart from the cinematic value, there are so many underlying themes that are intriguing. Redemption, courage, forgiveness, faith, hate, revenge, justice. I have found myself evaluating myself in terms of the trials that the characters are undergoing, and it has proved to be enlightening. Despite the merit and relevance of all these ideas, the one that has stood out to me the most is loyalty. Throughout the show, the characters betray each other for their own purposes or form factions in which they can operate. Needless to say, it is frustrating to watch these people destroy themselves and undermine the people with whom they are trying to survive. But it causes me to wonder about loyalty in myself and the purpose that it serves mankind in general. It causes me to look into myself and judge my own actions and their merit.

Everybody is going to be loyal to something or believe in something whether it is a bigger cause or just themselves. I think that loyalty is one of my virtues among many vices. Looking at my own past, I have found that I have operated best and been the most happy in the times where I have been loyal to something. Church, a relationship, friends, a band, a faith. Loyalty brings a purpose and a sense of belonging which, despite the cliché, is completely necessary. In the last era of my life, for the first time, I have had nothing to be loyal to. All of the things that I had that I was a part of and that I poured myself into have been erased, and all I have had to be loyal to is myself. I moved away from everything that I knew and loved and believed in both physically and emotionally in an effort to pursue something that I have always wanted: full time music. Ironically, now that I’m in the position to follow this illustrious dream, it seems trite and disillusioning. People have told me that they are proud of me for moving away because not many people have the stones to do it. But perhaps the people who recognize the good in their immediate surroundings have it figured out a little better than the people who feel they have to start over in a new place. Given, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a dream or moving someplace new, alone. However, there is also nothing wrong with appreciating the things that one has and enjoying them to their fullest while remaining loyal to something.

The music industry is a dirty thing. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how good you are or whether or not you love the art. It has to do with who you know. That’s it. I’m a music snob. Not particularly illuminating for those who know me. I graduated with a music degree from a university that was much more classically oriented than popular. I didn’t take any great classes in song writing or music production or tour management, but I did learn about the art of music. What makes it tick. I learned to appreciate the foundations of it and the elements which added a depth of appreciation and love for the art. Nashville doesn’t give a second thought to all of that. It’s about the money. The business. It is corporate and commercial and ruthless. It’s something that I don’t know that I want to be a part of. It’s something that I don’t know if I want to be loyal to. The dream is something I don’t know if I want to be loyal to.

I have had a hurt in me. A hurt that cigarettes can’t burn, beer can’t drown, a girl can’t kiss away, money can’t buy out, friends can’t laugh off. It is a hurt that comes from not being a part of anything that is bigger than my own little world. It is a hurt that comes from seeking happiness and not peace. I see now that devoting the next ten years of my life to something that I don’t necessary believe in will be fruitless and unrewarding if not maddening. I have to heal the hurt in me. I have to be devoted to something that I believe in. Commitment is not what I need. It is specifically devotion and it is drastically different from committment. I need to be devoted and be loyal to something that is bigger than me and bigger than my dreams. Perhaps it is just part of how I am made, but I think that it may be a part of how we are made.

I cried today. I have been hoping and praying and striving to find the tears that just wouldn’t come. And for those 10 seconds during my shower, I was free. Feeling the water cascade over my head and mingle with my tears before washing down the drain was as close to happy as I have been in a long time. Maybe it was because I finally realized how my life has become a snow globe, and that all of my thoughts revolved around me like tiny, synthetic, predictable snowflakes. Maybe because I knew where to start looking to fix the hurt. And maybe it is because I perceived a new meaning of the word Lost.