Traveling Thoughts

I grew up in a very traditional, conservative Southern Baptist church. My family and all of my friends attended this church. Simple bible stories, matters of faith, a set of behaviors, and the expectations for Christians were ingrained in me. I attended this church from birth and into high school having these lessons and ideas pumped into my brain. The problem was that I never actually thought for myself. I never actually had the chance to decide what I believed and why. Perhaps I had the opportunity right under my nose but was always too much of a coward to explore these thoughts. Therefore, when the time came when I felt the need to leave this church and do something new, my ideas about God and faith were so stunted and handicapped that it was excruciating to think outside of all of the things that I had been taught. Homosexuals, non-married couples who lived together, consumers of alcohol, smokers, and people who generally didn’t fit in to my little world of suits, ties, and Sunday school were to be afraid of and separated from. I was taught that good Christians didn’t go to the parties where there was drinking because someone might think that I was “one of them” and that the possibility of doing any good in this world would be forever erased from my destiny. Catholicism was painted as a cultish, vampirish, non-Christian, and misdirected group of people in need of salvation. Yikes. Basically, I had been taught a number of false ideas, and I bought every bit of it because I was told it was true and good. The point of saying all of this isn’t to bash that church because I have heard that there has been some good progression in the past couple of years. I am just trying to paint a picture of the type of environment that I grew up in. As you can see, my view of God was manipulated and distorted into something untrue.
All of that said, when I began to try and think for myself, I couldn’t, and I continually battle and pray for repair of the damage that was done. Lately, I have realized how truly weak and emaciated my own faith is. Not just because of my church, but because I have been lazy in pursuing the ways of God myself. However, I have been experiencing a breakthough lately. I have seen my faith morph into something new that I have never experienced, and it has come through a journey that has lasted several years that I would like to share with you.

When I was in seventh grade, I received my first bass guitar from my parents for Christmas. I asked for this so that I would be able to complete the orchestration for my first band that was affectionately called “Eggs and Bacon”. We began rehearsals in the drummer’s basement and proceeded to attempt “Jimi Thing”, “Machine Head”, and “Jesus Freak” for hours at a time. Despite the apparent lack of quality of the rehearsals, the dream was born to be a professional musician or as we put it at the time “making it big!”. This idea carried past the devastating end of “Eggs and Bacon” and saw the birth of church praise bands and local battle of the bands, one of which I won with a band called Neveah. (that’s “heaven” spelled backwards, if you missed it.) I invested a lot of time in this. However, I always had a vision of musicians inevitably “living in a van down by the river” eating cold beans out of a can. I mean, I like beans, but not cold out of cans…

So, my dad has done the whole engineering thing, and he’s the posterchild for the American dream. He did the musician thing, kinda went to school, and worked his way from blue-collar electrician to be The Boss at a Michelin plant. So I begin thinking, “Hey, my old man’s alright, I like cars and motors, and I’m pretty good with my hands. I’ll be an engineer!” This lasted through my acceptance into Clemson’s engineering program until the time when I looked at the suggested course for freshmen which included Calculus for Rocket Scientists, No Life for You 101, and a bunch of other classes where the course titles contained words that I had to look up. Then I realized, I hate math like the plague, I’m not so hot at science, and most of all, I’m lazy. Therefore, I quickly withdrew my name from the Nerd List, and set about rethinking my future. And nothing came…except music. For the next several months of life and through my first semester of college, I ignored the calling and insistence for my heart, trust, and obedience by the One who had engineered me. At the encouragement of my best friend and the support of my family, I finally succumbed, and decided to move back to Anderson where I would continue to be involved with the church that I had become a part of and loved. I also enrolled in the music program at Anderson College two weeks before classes started. Doing this gave me the peace that comes only from the surety that I had done the right thing and that I was indeed taking the first step in pursuing my dreams not to mention doing what I knew God told me to do.

Fast forward 3 years.

Life was great! I was learning music, playing and making money, part of a cool new church in Columbia, SC, had great friends, and a girlfriend on whom I doted. Then God stuck his big hand on my chessboard, and with a mischievous grin began to dismember my strategy. First, I had this unpeace about this church that I was with. Not that there was anything wrong with the church, but that I began to hear in my heart that I was not meant for Columbia. Knight. A few months later, the band that I was playing with and counting on as something to do after graduation went down. The members were just going in different directions. Rook. Then I began to see. God is moving in my life. “Ok, God. Here I am, send me!” After months of endless, maddening debate, and talks with my family, friends, girlfriend, I began to see that God may indeed be calling me to pursue full time music in Nashville. I was almost to the point where I am ready to say, “yes” and leave all of my friends behind. But I was hesitating. So, the girlfriend to whom I had given all my chips gave them back.

Now, I feel like Harry Potter just put the Body-Bind curse on me. Hello Ground, meet my face. I feel like one of those logs that you always see on the backs of big trucks on the interstate. I have been uprooted, my branches sheered off cleanly, and am being transported elsewhere. The time for decision has come.

Now, with nothing else really to do, I have decided to move to Nashville. Looking at the situation, I cannot help but laugh because of the obviousness of God moving the pieces in my life. Honestly, I’m scared out of my mind. I know some people will talk about me as if I am just chasing a fool’s dream. Some people will think that I just need to grow up and get a real job. What it all boils down to is that I have to do what I feel God has called me to, and, at this point, I’m scared about what would happen if I didn’t! I was in Nashville a few weeks ago, just checking things out. I don’t know if there was ever a more scary and lonely time for me. I have a total of 1 friend in Nashville, no real job leads, no place to live, and I just wish it could be easier. However, after my time there, I see that through all of this God has strengthened and prepared me for what he has for me. I can only trust that he has success for me where he takes me.

I feel the urge to tell my story because there are so many of us who are searching for the next step in life. Especially my own peers who are recent graduates or soon to be and are making these same considerations. I have felt the burden and the blessing of God’s will on my life. It is not actually a myth that God takes real and practical steps in our lives although sometimes it may not seem so. Sometimes God has to break us to make us listen or to at least be able to, but amidst that brokenness is the joy and the realization that God has a bigger something for us. It is at this place where we are able to see our weak, pathetic, and emaciated faith turn into something good. It is at this point where for the first time in my life I have enjoyed the peace that God is in control and that I can rest in his shadow. I cannot attribute this growth to anything that I have done, but that God has pursued me and drug me here. All I can say is “thank you”.